friday night.

mayo,

it was an uneasy day for me. my last at work, and though i'm glad to leave it behind, i was sad to say good-bye to my co-workers, and that surprised me. i hadn't expected to feel so solemn. once i was home, i ended up reading my journal from the last year of my marriage. it was a good balance to the optimism of the night before, a good reminder to stay a tiny bit wary around my ex, but obviously, not really a good read. hard memories in that volume. and then tonight's noise and ire and anons. i couldn't even linger as ecto-tj.

mayo, i don't know where you are in your head right now. i don't know if the pain of this entry is still lingering with you, or if the act of writing it was enough of a release. maybe your surroundings are enough of a distraction to enable you to regain some balance. i hope so, because this blog of your's, before all else, should be a place of refuge for you. it is for so many of us, but it's your blog, and if we allow the anons to goad us into chaotic behavior that disrupts the benefits of this place, then we have failed you.

that's how i felt tonight.

i'm sorry, mayo. this place is important to me, and i know it is important to you. i don't want that to change. this blog should end only because you decide it is finished, not because it has cracked apart from internal and external stresses.

it's late for me, i'm tired, and worn out. i haven't fully realized that i don't have to go back to work next week. i haven't fully understood that today i crossed the threshold into the unknown, again. i'm unsettled and unbalanced, and found no security in your home tonight.

our fault.

tomorrow will be better. it must.

today i was given daffodils as a going away gift. they're my favorite spring flower, and always speak to me of beginnings. are there any flowers yet where you are, mayo? just beginning to bloom, or perhaps displayed in bright bundles? look for them. flowers always have a smile for you.

good night, mayo.