wednesday night.

mayo,

elena told me that thoughts of death are always with us, sometimes walking beside us silently, sometimes making us stop and face them. it's true with memories of the dead, as well. sometimes my dad is with me through a penny on the ground or a familiar face on the street or a familar scent on the air, and i smile. sometimes he's with me as he was when i saw him last, and then i can't help it, it brings up tears, though i fight them.

it was always such a mystery to me before, how someone could just cease to be. it seemed impossible. and now i'm learning that they don't, not really. people you carry in your heart for whatever reason never really leave you.

and i was realizing that goes for those that are alive, too. it can be such a crowded place, my heart!

and so, even sitting here alone, i don't always feel lonely. my dad is gone, but i can still remember him and smile with it. my friends are busy with their own lives, but the emails we've written give me things to think about, just as if i am still having a conversation with them. even people i've never met, but who have come to mean so much to me, can come into my thoughts and warm my heart.

i was so wrong back when i thought i didn't need anyone in my life, back when i thought being a hermit was a desirable lifestyle.

i do need people, kindred spirits all, heart to heart and mind to mind like air for my lungs.

remember to embrace your own, mayo, with all your heart.

good night, and the best of dreams to you.